Purity, Dating, and Marriage
– a short study
A jumpstart to finding or
re-cultivating Biblical guidelines
in a sex-saturated culture of perversion
This is an expanded study with verses
and explanation that was original posted as part of the disney
Cars1 and Cars2 report. (If you’re interesting in reading that, see closing
section for links.)
Before we start looking at gender
roles, according to God’s Word, let’s first look at what God says about
relationships. So, I’m going to post some verses below with a little
explanation as needed. (A few were in the header, of course, and I’ll repost
those too).
“How
can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to
God’s Word. With my whole heart I
have sought You, Oh Lord; oh, let me not wander from Your
commandments! Your Word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against
You.” (Psalm 119:9-11)
“I
have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I
look upon a young woman, to lust after her?” (Job 31:1)
“Keep your
heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”
(Proverbs 4:23)
“You shall not
commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14)
“You have heard that it was said to those of
old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks
at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his
heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from
you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than
for your whole body to be cast into Hell. And if your right hand causes you to
sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you
that one of your members perish, than for your whole
body to be cast into Hell.” (Matthew 6:27-30)
“Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man
does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins
against his own body.” (1st Corinthians 6:18)
“Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted by God’;
for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each
one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own coveting and lusts and is
enticed. Then, when coveting/lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin/rebellion;
and sin/rebellion, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” (James
1:13-15)
We are not tempted by God, when we go
astray, and all ‘big’ sins are collections of little sins. Both of those are
important to remember in a world of shades of gray.
God made guys to be strong leaders.
God made men to stand, to fight, to march, to engage, to reason and hold their
ground. God built men with a strong logic circuit... but when we guys are in
sin, we *cannot* lead well or at all (in some cases). The only thing we can
boldly lead in, when we're off-track is: into sin. God built guys to be
protectors, leaders, trail-blazers - yet servants; bold yet gracious; showing
leadership, yet not running anyone over to get to the goal. ~ So what does the
world do with that? They scramble it. The world uses
all of its media to boost men's pride through flattery and vain compliments,
and then either directs them to cheer whole-heartedly for an idol, spend their
years chasing money and sinful pleasures, or dumbs them down to just: find a
girl that makes you happy. catch her, and then keep
her happy.... please note one quick point: it's not wrong to find a godly girl
who will be a good soul-mate (that’s what guys ought to do). But when she is
chasing the world's pleasures and trinkets, then she's going the wrong way, and
a godly guy can't keep her happy unless she is letting God's Word teach her
heart to love more of what God loves, and less of what the world loves.
Now to
ladies. God built ladies to be nurturing. God
made ladies to have a better sense of emotions, because they need that to see
what others are going through and then to pray or help them. God made ladies to
learn to have a heart for serving and helping, to abound in self-control, and
to use the gifts and tools God gives her to reach out to others and use those
opportunities to share the Word of God and the gospel. God made ladies to grow
to be mothers, teaching their children to walk in the ways of the Lord, and
teachers of older and younger women - as well as working alongside men and
providing gentle accountability and another view of things then we men miss (way
too often). ~ So, what does the world do with that? The world uses the
emotional drive to get them to try to conquer men, outdo men, insult and
slander and gossip about… to let their emotions get completely out of control
so that they become contentious women who will do whatever necessary
to get their way... to want only what makes them happy, and to avoid all that
makes them stressed or worried or cry (or convicted and confronted with truth).
And, ultimately, the world gets ladies to seek a guy who will make them happy
and keep them happy...
... Now, I know I've said some things
above that can be taken other than how I meant them. I'm blessed to know quite
a few godly guys (of all ages), and quite a few godly ladies (of all ages). My
main point in analyzing this is to double-check what I think I see. I never had
sisters... so I feel like I have a handicap in at least understanding sisters.
I had a brother from whom God's taught me much! ... but not sisters, so my
sisters in Christ, if I said or analyzed something wrong - would you be willing
to help me see it more clearly? I'll be eternally grateful for the tidbits and
prayers. Thank you =)
But, assuming that analysis is pretty
close to on target, there’s another aspect of this that I feel the need to talk
about – dating. Both Cars1 and Cars2 display a fast ‘falling in love’ setup,
and never hint at marriage. What is that? Dating with no
commitment. That’s wrong and will hurt those who copy it. Now, this next
point has two-facets that I see the need to address.
1>
First of all, I want to ask you – what do the words ‘handsome’ and ‘cute’ bring
to mind? What do the words ‘pretty’ and ‘beautiful’ bring to mind? Now – did
you realize that the other people who just read that have a different
definition of those words? Why is that? Because they are not
concrete adjectives – but are subjective emotional analysis. Meaning? As the phrase goes: ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’.
Every guy has the ability to be smart and a great husband (if he makes wise choices). And every lady has the ability to be
beautiful and a great wife (if she makes
wise choices). Or, if God so calls them, to be single and serve their
Creator and sharing His Word alone (if
he/she makes wise choices). My point is that the world lies to us when they
say that we can spot our future wife/husband with our eyes. We can’t. Period. Most of those who are ‘love at first site’ end up in
lust at second glance… why? Because the focus was on the outward appearance
rather than the real core or beauty – godly character and a heart that wants to
fully please Christ. That is true handsomeness or beauty. Character
– not the outward prettiness that the world fusses about. And that leads
to my next note.
2>
Secondly, we have gotten a long way from where dating/courting work in America
anymore. You see the whole chat and social media atmosphere removes a vital
part of communication: real godly people interacting with real godly people. It
removes much of the ability for families to get to know one another and for a
guy to watch a godly lady so he can then take the lead in dating/courtship.
With social media, you can’t hear tone of voice or see the expressions of the
face, or see any other body language that would tell you how to adjust to keep
good boundaries and how to handle the relationship well. Now, granted, with
practice, one can figure out some of it… but it’s still hard. But, my main
point in mentioning it is not to push everyone away from social media (per se),
but to help parents, leaders, and singles to realize that we need to get back
to the community pattern of the home-churches in the book of Acts. The big
entertainment-driven and money-driven 501c3 corporations are really hurting
friendships, and make the ability for young people to find a good wife/husband
much harder. With that, though, I need to make another point – dating needs to
be as intentional as the time between engagement and marriage. Having worked
with youth for a dozen years, I’ve seen far too many heart-breaks because the
youths weren’t trained in Biblical boundaries that would lead to a healthy
relationship which would more easily lead to a healthy marriage. My strong
suggestion through experience is that guys need to not let a relationship with
a girl ‘fall into’ a dating/courtship time, but start it verbally – just like
they start the engagement toward marriage verbally. There needs to be an
intentional start to it. It helps everything else work better. Now, that
requires you dear sisters in Christ who are still single to keep digging into
God’s Word and readying yourself for your future husband, as the guys are also
digging into God’s Word and readying themselves for you. In time, God knows how
to cross both of your paths and help you to realize that He is leading you to
marry each other. He created everything – He cares about you. You need to trust
Him, and make following Him the priority, and finding a life-partner needs to
be at least second to that.
I also need to note that ‘cute’
‘handsome’ and ‘pretty’ talk about the outward appearance, and are – in themselves, stereotypes. And yet if we look at things God’s
way – no one is better than another. The shade of melanin or the cost of the
clothes we wear doesn’t make us better than others. That’s just pride and
arrogance that God has to humble or oppose. Now, some people are walking in
more obedience to Christ than we are. So, rather than begrudge that – let us
allow that prompt us to grow to Christ ourselves! Remember, God’s Word says: “But the
LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or at his physical
stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at
the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’”
(1st Samuel 16:7) -- That attitude is also partiality: favoring a
person over another because of looks or possessions. “Listen, my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in
faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him? But you
have dishonored the poor man. Do not the rich oppress you and drag you into the
courts? Do they not blaspheme that noble name by which you are called? If you
really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, ‘You shall
love your neighbor as yourself’, you do well; but if you show partiality,
you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors.”
(James 2:5-9)
Men, please do not strive to be like
the world wants you to be. To not respond in pride is not weak, but
self-control. The kind guys don't finish last - they just learn not to fight
useless and frivolous battles. Remember, God commands us guys to actually love
those around us. Now, a warning -
do not chase the loud-mouth and flirty ladies who emphasize their outward
appearance and superficial qualities, for those are the very contentious women
God talks about in Proverbs. If you want a godly lady, you will not spot her
with your eye - you will only find her by her pattern of caring about what God
cares about, including people. So. grow
in character, hunger for God’s Word, and wait for the lady God picks for you.
When you find her, God will confirm it to you – you will not be able to tell by
appearances. Husbands – love your wife. She needs you, but she will likely say
very few words. Give her as much of your attention as you can and in the
process of helping her, you’ll grow too more like Christ. (See more tips in the
conclusion.)
Ladies, please do not strive to be
like the world wants you to be. The world wants you to think you need to make
your appearance perfect (or as close as you can), and to always be friendly and
never say the word ‘no’. The world teaches you to accept the wrong flirting of
guys or sexual comments as ‘compliments’. The world also teaches you a satanic
replacement for modesty – dressing ‘appropriate’ for the ‘occasion’. But, God’s
standard of modesty for guys and ladies has only one occasion – modesty at all
times; intimacy with your wife/husband alone. You cannot make yourself better
by polishing the outward appearance. Outward prettiness is not handsome or
beautiful. But genuine consistent spiritual growth in inward
character, self-control, and patience and following Christ – now
that is true nobleness and beauty. You need to set
boundaries for yourself that keep you and your heart safe. Build trust with the
honorable ones, but always keep those boundaries secure and intact. And for
those who are married, make sure that your husband is your closest confidant.
In conclusion (to several
categories):
>>> Single guys, single
ladies – God has the right one for you, if you just seek Him with all your
heart, and make pleasing Him your number 1 priority – not to bribe Him, not to
do things for the praise of men, but just to grow in seeking, serving, and honoring Jesus. God
truly honors those who seek Him, with good things. =)
>>> Husbands - your wife
needs your love, your attention, your affection, and your help. A typical godly
wife will not usually pester much, but she needs whatever care you can/will
give her. When you find something that is both taking your time and diverting
you away from following Christ and gets you away from quality time in God’s
Word (several times a week if not daily), then your Biblical logic needs to
kick in and you need to get that out of your life, as soon as possible – or
modify it so that it isn’t a problem.
>>> Wives, your husbands need
your love, your attention, your affection, and your help. A typical godly
husband will not usually pester, but he needs whatever you can give him. When
you see something that moves your emotions on a roller coaster, or gets you
away from quality time in God’s Word, and/or is taking up time and diverting
you away from Christ (several times a week if not daily), your Biblical logic
needs to kick in and you need to get that out of your life and home, as soon as
possible – or modify it so that it isn’t a problem.
>>> Parents, your kids need
you! They really do. The world tries to prop them up in pride telling them that
they know more than you, and telling you to get out of the way. The world tells
the kids that they already know more than you, and tells you to leave your kids
alone and let them ‘grow up’ (without your understanding of right and wrong).
There is only one word to describe the message of the world: LIES! God’s Word
is true, and He does not lie. This is what God says: “Train up a child in
the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
(Proverbs 22:6) ~ And again: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is
right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with
promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’ And
you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the
training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:1-4) ~ So, again,
your kids need you to teach them. They’re blank slates with a leaning toward
rebellion because it looks fun. You need to see God’s wisdom to teach them
right and wrong through thoughtful, caring discipline and training of what’s
right and what’s wrong. So, parents – let’s not stick with the empty patterns
of past generations, and set a pace – training our kids in righteousness.
That’s going to require us to spend regularly quality time in the *whole* of
God’s Word. I’m in. Are you?
Praying for you all ~ Please pray for me and my family! Thankyou!
a
growing servant/life-slave of Jesus, SH
Closing links:
This is an expanded study with verses and explanation that was original posted
as part of the disney Cars1 and Cars2 report. If
you’re interesting in reading the original studies, below are the links to
part1, 2, and 3.
Part1:
http://vineoflifenews.com/short-report-cars1/
Part 2:
http://vineoflifenews.com/report-cars2-pt2/
Part 3:
http://vineoflifenews.com/report-cars2-pt3/